Infinitely Insane. Marvelously Me.

That is probably the toughest question I have ever had to think about. I mean, I am the type of person who loves so easily. I am willing to give my entire heart to someone who I’ve known for a month. But now they are leaving me. And honestly, I can’t feel my heart beat…I feel like I can’t breath and my cheeks are so stained from tears that you would think it’s their natural color. They have to leave me to do the right thing. So I am proud of them and I am happy for them. They tell me that they won’t stop loving me and that we can be together in the future, but how do I know that being 3,000 miles away won’t take away that love for me…

Then I started thinking about this question. Believe it or not..I have an answer. If they were to move to the opposite end of the earth and never take me back or love me again or anything like that…I would still love them. I don’t love them BECAUSE they love me back. Thats not what love is about. Its about giving love. Receiving it is a bonus. When they leave I will still love them. If they hate me, I will still love them. If they come back, I will still love them. No matter what. Because THAT is what love is. Its a one way street starting from ME. People think that being terrified and having a rush of adrenaline coursing through their body and needing somebody by their side is love…but it’s not. That is the need to be loved and is totally and completely different than love itself. When someone realizes they love someone, the words that come to their mind are “I love You.” Not “do you love me.” You love them just because. I mean we love our families and we just know that we do. We don’t need confirmation of it. It just comes naturally. But that is how all love should be. So I am starting on this road of mine. I will send out my love with no hope or need for it to come back but I will find happiness in the fact that there are people out their receiving my love and deserving it. 

So to the person who I am referring, whether they ever read this or not..I hope they get the message. That I will always love them. If they are ever down without hope or they feel alone and lost..know that I am here. With love for them unconditionally. That is how it will always be. There will always be someone out there who loves them.

I don’t know what to think of people who don’t appreciate all the love that they have to give. It’s not about receiving. So just love and be happy that you have someone to love. If you give love and happiness you will feel it and you will be happy in return. 

And THAT is what love is.

When you look at a person you usually judge how they are feeling through their body language and facial expressions. One may think that a single glance is all it takes. Just look at me. I walk with my head up, shoulders relaxed, and a smile on my face. That leads you to believe in my happiness.

What nobody knows is that my smile is all wrong and upside down. That smile is an actress on the stage of my face. Her character is Happiness and she is the pre-madonna. What goes on backstage is what nobody knows. 

Walking with my shoulders relaxed is Act II of this play. What nobody knows is that those shoulders hold up my world. I wait for it all to crush my stage to nothing. My shoulders carry the crashes, fires, tears, and lies of my life.

The devil sings his monologue quietly into my ear while dancing on my left. The angel is pirouetting on my right, but in the play of my world he has no lines. When the climax is reached he dances with the devil, the angel is put in a poisonous dip and the battle is won. My world burns down on my shoulders and all the weight pushes down the mask of relaxation. 

The finale is just keeping my head up. What nobody knows is that my head is being held up by a rope behind the curtains. The higher my head goes the tighter the noose is. When the music gets louder the finale is near. The curtain finally closes as my feet dangle just above the stage of life.

Its amazing how we go through everyday taking something like a smile for granted. I never thought it really mattered. It was just the muscles in my face showing the world that I was happy. If I spent so long not caring that I had the ability to smile, why does it bother me so much now that its gone? Yes, it is gone. Something came over me today and put a weight on each side of my mouth. When I try to smile it hurts and takes too much energy. I have been so positive for so long, what happened? Nothing in my life is so terrible that I should be depressed, nothing has happened, and nothing is going to happen. Maybe thats it. My life is at a standstill. 

So where do I go from here?

Do I continue walking around without a second thought of whether I smile or not? Or do things change? Do I start to care about everything in my life again? Can I even be that happy person again? It makes my brain pulse and ache just thinking about all the work it takes to actually care. To care means to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable means to be able to get hurt. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to be vulnerable. And I don’t want to care. 

But the truth is…

I do care. I care about everything. Nothing passes me, my eyes, my ears, my nose, my lips, my hands, or my mind without me caring about it. If I didn’t care for it or weren’t meant to then it wouldn’t be in my life. That seems simple enough. But why does caring take so much energy and why does it have to be so hard? I care about things that people don’t even realize.

Maybe that’s it…

I keep everything inside. I don’t show that I care. Therefore, nothing happens or changes because I care. I just let things happen to me and the things I care about because I feel afraid to show the world that I am a person who everything does matter to. So when I’m smiling, I care. And when I’m not smilling, I care. So with all this caring going on…

Who cares about me?

Who wants to read my thoughts and dreams? Who wants to see me smile? Of course I have my family. But maybe I need someone to care for me that doesn’t have it in their blood to care about me? Someone to let it all out to without caring about what I say because they care that much. Someone who will see how much I care and tell me it matters that I care. Tell me everything I do and say matters. Tell me that whether or not I smile matters…even just to them. 

Is that it?

Am I not smiling because I have no one like that? I don’t want to need anybody. I want to just want someone. I want someone to just want me. 

But wait…

I do have people like that. Why am I not with them? For once this isn’t followed by another question, but finally an answer. I’m still alone because I care so much that I am terrified to be with anyone without absolute certainty that they are mine for good. I am terrified of changing my feelings and letting them down. So I stick to the same old routine of hiding my feelings away and caring about everyone. But when I think about it…

I care so much that I don’t care about me.

I have come to a conclusion.

Everyone tells you your entire life that drugs are bad. They kill brain cells and people use them to escape reality. The other day I heard an expression that opened my eyes. “Life is a trip.” Now think about that for a second. Life is one big trip. That leaves me with one question. What kind of trip? Acid trip or mushroom trip? 
When you answer that question you open the door. The door to reality. If we are all tripping in life then you have to take a trip to get to reality. So the straightedge people and the people who won’t trip are escaping reality. They choose to live in blissful ignorance of the true world. Nobody ever thinks the same when they take a trip. They think clear and differently and they come to realizations. Realizations that you couldn’t find otherwise. People who do those drugs aren’t escaping, they are living. They are living in reality and watch everyone else walk by without even noticing the world around them.

Of course there are different kinds of drugs, and the people that do them are just as different. I use simple terms. There are the naturalists and the creators. The Naturalists only do things that are from nature. The things that are already there for us. They don’t have to make anything they do because it is a gift from Mother Nature. Those are the people who are in reality. They see how things can and should be. The creators are just that. They are the creators of their own reality. They manufacture their drugs. They manufacture their life to be a lie. Believing only what the drug brings them. Neediness, anger, anxiety, and hate. Once they’ve started they need it always. When they don’t have it or cant get it they become angry. Then when they actually have it and do it they have anxiety of when the next time they are going to be able to get it is. They bring in hate to their lives through their use.

Thats why I created my rules. I have two rules about drugs and they are very simple and easy. 

1. Pills and Powders stay away, if it grows from the ground it’s A-Okay.

2. Don’t ever use drugs to forget or escape your mind. Only use them to expand it.

You can judge me if you choose but be careful because you’ll lose. You’ll lose the chance to meet someone who could change everything. Not to mention, some of the smartest people out there have taken a trip to reality. You just have to open the door and see…life is just a trip, now let yourself fall.